Lessons in death - respecting our elders and preparing for the inevitable

My piano teacher, Vera Lendvay, passed away this week. She taught me classical piano starting from 3rd grade until I was a junior in high school, and was the singular, most formative force on my musical development. An incredibly vibrant lady, born in Hungary, Mrs. Lendvay (as I always called, even to the end) shared her boundless love of music with generations of piano students in Richmond, VA. She survived two husbands, but it was the death of the second that marked her decline. Despite her ever slowing reaction times, she still drove her Acura RL like a bat out of hell.


But in these last few years, she spent the majority of her time wasting away in retirement homes. At first, she had the alacrity to poke fun at the seniority of the other seniors. Gradually however, she began to lose her sharp mind and slowly broke down before our eyes. In the end, she could not recognize even those closest to her.

This story is not unique. There are countless seniors wasting away in a similar fashion, proud and remarkable people who are drawn inexorably towards non compos mentis. And in a society that celebrates the young, the strong, the beautiful, there is no real place for these elders. Instead, they are hidden away and oftentimes treated lightly if at all.

Mrs. Lendvay's passing taught me two lessons. The first lesson is around respecting our elders. This was always emphasized in a sort of neo-Confucian manner, in accordance with my Asian upbringing, but losing a true teacher in this manner brings the lesson home. It reminds me to connect with the elderly, to listen more intently to their stories, to engage more actively. The second lesson is around preparing for death. The intent is not to be morbid, but to simply take necessary steps to plan for an inevitability. Composing a will and a living will, assigning power of attorney, organizing your finances and insurance. How many people have this all sorted? I know I don't, nor does my wife. But we're beginning the process, and will be making some difficult choices along the way.

Thank you Mrs. Lendvay for being the most amazing teacher I have known. May you rest in peace.